By K. Vijay kumar

MY wife holds all the major portfolios in my house. When we got married, she told me sweetly that it would be nice to have an allocation of work between us. As lord and master of the house (she told me), I could take all the major decisions and she would take all the minor ones. This arrangement is continuing even fifteen years after our marriage. Only, there is a slight difference of opinion on what constitute the major and minor decisions. Recently she clarified that too. What type of house we should buy, the schools our children should go to, the things we need in the house, where we spend our holidays, how to treat in-laws, hers and mine —these are minor decisions.  And the major ones: Whether India should go nuclear; whether sanctions against the country are justified; who should become the Prime Minister of India etc. etc.

As she holds the Finance portfolio too, she treats us to a Budget speech on the day the country’s Finance Minister presents his Budget to the Lok Sabha. Here is the text of her Budget speech for this year:

“My Lord (that’s what she calls me in her Budget speech, otherwise it is an ‘AYE!’) and   not so Honourable Members of the House, As I stand to present the annual Budget, I miss the beautiful smiles of all the members of this House.  You will appreciate that the days of majority Governments are gone. I fondly remember the days when I enjoyed the confidence of all the members of this not so august house; at least it was expressed so. Over the years, I realise that you have not only lost faith in me but also consider me as a demon. I know my Budget is never accepted with smiles. It does not give me any pleasure presenting the Budget to you. It has become a boring routine for me over the last decade, and every year I find that the Members of the House are on a full-time job of frustrating my efforts to balance the Budget. Only poor Manmohan Singh had to present six budgets in succession. Now most finance ministers don’t hope to present two annual budgets. But I have no such chance. I am the present finance minister of this house and I am totally convinced that if I abdicate this charge, this house will be on the roads. So it is with full responsibility and totally against my will that I continue. Without much ado let me proceed with my proposals.

The health of the family is as important as its wealth, and, if in the process of improving the health of the Members, I can save some money, I will only be too happy to do so. Last year in my Budget speech, I had stipulated a ceiling of two cigarettes per day for the Head of the House. I know this restriction was violated everyday. This year I propose to ban cigarettes completely more as a health measure than as a budgetary exercise. Of course, in the process I hope to save about Rs.10, 000 in a year badly needed for the House.

I know how much the children like ice creams, but I am told they (ice creams, not children) are bad for health. So another proposal I place before you is a total ban of ice creams. I must tell you we are passing through difficult times and have to tighten our belts further. Of course, we must do so with the old belts only, for I cannot afford to buy new belts. For the last couple of years, there has been a talk in this house of buying a car. The fact is, we have not been able to sell our old dilapidated vehicle, which was once a good scooter, and buy a new one. I am told that cycling and jogging are good for health. Therefore, I propose to sell the scooter and buy a bicycle.

You are perhaps aware that we are actually living in the future; our fridge our TV, our house; nothing is paid for and we are already defaulters on installments.  You know we do not have a World Bank to finance us or an IMF to give us a loan.   Even our co-operative bank has refused to give us further loans and we have nothing to sell, pawn or deposit, and like the country we cannot afford to go on deficit financing year after year. I really wonder what happens to all those deficits year after year and why I am not able to do exactly like that.

However, I have some good news for you.  After Amartya Sen won the Nobel prize, like the Government I too started understanding what is welfare economics and I thought it my duty to invest in education and like the Government, I don’t have money to invest in education. But that is no deterrent. Being a teacher, I can teach somebody free and that does not need money. So I thought it my duty to teach our domestic servant to read and write. I went all out on the mission and I am happy to report to you that during the last couple of months, she learnt to read and write so well. However, I must say it has had its fallout. She started exchanging love letters with the boy next door and, last week she ran away with him. Of course before leaving she fell at my feet and thanked me for giving a new life to her. But for my teaching her to read and write, she could not have loved the boy. I am also happy that my efforts have borne fruit and anyway, I was thinking on the sly to send her away, as we can no longer afford a domestic servant. I call upon every responsible Member of this House to help me in domestic work.  (Shouts of “Shame, Shame” from the Members).

Some time back I had promised to have our next vacation in Kashmir, if the financial situation improves. I am sorry to report to you that there is in fact a sharp fall in our balances, and in any case, I must confess that I made the promise on the fond hope that nobody could go to Kashmir in the near future. Now that Mr. Abdulla wants tourists to come to Kashmir, I must inform you that the tourists he has in mind are not the likes of us struggling to balance budgets. Therefore, I suggest that we spend our holidays at home. Our old clothes need a lot of stitching and the house could do with a little whitewashing. Together we will do it, and I suppose it will be a wonderful way of spending the holidays. I eagerly look forward to your active participation in this project. I must admit I am borrowing this idea from Andhra Pradesh Chief Minister Chandra Babu Naidu’s Janmabhoomi programme. I wish, I could borrow a computer from him!

You may be under the impression that with all these cuts, I am going to save a lot of money and present to you a surplus Budget. This is far from the truth. We will still be in a deficit, and I honestly do not know how to fill the gap. During the last 10 years, inflation and taxes have seen to it that our standard of living has not increased considerably. The least that I can do in my Budget speech to bring a little cheer to you is to close my speech without proposing any further cuts in your happiness. I am tempted to recite a few  verses in Tamil, Telugu, Hindi, German and Latin. Not that like PV Narasimaha Rao, I know all these languages, but no budget is complete without a few such recitations. I will spare you the ordeal if you promise to be good and allow me to execute my budget.  It is the duty of every Member of this home to see that we do not fall into a debt trap. (At this moment, there was a power cut) I am happy that, the Electricity Board is cooperating with me in reducing the power bills.) On that dark not, Honourable Members, I urge you to approve my Budget proposals (you will please note that you do not have the power to reject them).

Thank you.